For the Love of Money

The word “infidelity” is pretty common these days, with examples daily in the news.  Celebrities, neighbors and friends all have a story to tell about how they have been betrayed by their partner’s sexual indiscretions.  Usually we think about infidelity as sexual or emotional betrayal, being lied to and deceived by a partner in the worst way that we can imagine. But there’s another type of infidelity that is becoming more common, and that is of financial infidelity. This type of cheating pushes at the hot button for many relationships and marriages- that of money and finances. 

Financial infidelity is defined as being dishonest with your partner, either blatantly or by omission, about what you have done with the family finances. Examples are running up credit cards into the thousands, forging a partner’s signature to open a new loan or credit line, hiding large debts or financial obligations, all without your partner’s knowledge or consent. Being dishonest about money is a form of cheating, just like sexual or emotional cheating, because you have lied and broken your partner’s trust in the relationship. Just like sexual cheating, financial infidelity can be devastating to the relationship. A loss of intimacy, loss of trust, or loss of hope for the future is all common feelings and reactions when this type of behavior happens.

Now, some of you may think that a few little lies about money can’t hurt anyone, right? Fudging a little about how much you spent for that last pair of shoes or that great new fishing rod can’t be harmful.  Well, there are lies and then there are LIES. While it may be true that a lie of $20 dollars may not be harmful, racking up $5000 dollars without discussing it with your partner ahead of time could be very harmful. In a recent Redbook survey, 96% of couples thought that it was their partner’s responsibility to be open and honest about finances.  So, is it okay to lie about a small purchase that you made? Telling a lie, ANY lie, is a trust eroding behavior.  As with any behavior, starting with a little bit of a lie can turn quickly into a big lie. And the person telling the lie doesn’t feel very good either.

So, what can a couple that has experienced financial infidelity do to begin rebuilding the relationship? The steps involved are similar to any other betrayal and how to trust again.

Be transparent. The first step in rebuilding trust involves both partners being fully accountable for their actions when it comes to finances. This means giving one another information about, as well as access to, all financial records, such as credit card statements, bank accounts, loans, etc.  Information like this may be extremely uncomfortable to disclose, but it is crucial to begin repairing the financial damage that has been done, it also demonstrates an openness that is necessary if trust is to be rebuilt.

Work together to create a financial recovery plan. This is extremely important- especially when the financial cheating has affected the both of you, and your credit. Working together to create a recovery plan helps to build trust, and to begin accountability with each other. Your plan might include steps for repaying the debt, creating a budget, and working with a credit counseling agency.

Compromise. It is not possible for both people in a relationship to always get their way when it comes to money. You and your partner both have valid points of view about spending, saving and investing that you both need to acknowledge. Try to understand your partner’s particular financial style and be willing to meet in the middle. This will allow both of you to get at least some of what you want which, in turn, will lead to greater trust in one another.

 

Remember, it takes time to rebuilding trust between you and your partner. Rebuilding trust is a process that will occur gradually over time as you both follow these positive steps. Consistency is everything, so make time to sit down with your partner on a regular basis to talk about how things are going and re-evaluate your financial goals. You will be amazed at the progress that is being made.

Ten Hot Tips to Rekindle the Romance With Your Wife

Romantic Couples.jpg

Physical intimacy is important in a relationship, everyone wants affection! One top complaint from men in relationships is when the physical intimacy takes a nosedive. Unfortunately, when those snuggles and more become non-existent everyone can feel a little left out in the cold. Here are ten tips on how to rekindle the romance!

  1.  You know those little things she asks you to do, but they seem to slip your mind? Like, put your socks in the hamper, or take the trash out? Make a concerted effort to do those things so that she knows you are listening and that you do care about her comfort. No one feels sexy towards the person whose socks they have to pick up.

  2.  Send her sweet and perhaps slightly seductive texts during the day when you are at work. 

  3. Suggest taking a shower together, offer to wash her hair for her while you are in there. How luxurious does it feel to have your hair washed by someone else? Very, and it’s definitely hot. 

  4.  Plan an evening without her input. Hire the babysitter, pick the restaurant and take her to a movie that you know she wants to see at the theater. 

  5.  Run her a bubble bath. Then while she is luxuriating amidst the bubbles, bring in a tray with chocolate covered strawberries and a glass of wine. Do not allow children, pets or phone calls to interrupt her bliss. 

  6.  Rub her feet! Bonus points if you use a yummy scented lotion and extra bonus points if you paint her toenails for her. 

  7.  Write a sweet note and leave it in her car, on her pillow or in the bathroom. 

  8.  Wash her car for her. Bonus points if you do it without a shirt on. 

  9.  Tell her what is attractive about her. Not just “You have a great rack sweetie!”, but tell her what makes her special. “I love the way you laugh, it is so sexy.” is specific to her, not just a general compliment. 

  10.  Ask her what she needs from you, and mean it. Most dead bedrooms come from lack of communication between partners. Both people want to be close, but needs may not be met in other areas, which makes intimacy harder. 

With these ten tips hopefully you will be able to strengthen your bond and heat up the bedroom!

Best Practices For A Marriage: 5 Tips For Dealing With The In-Laws

Some people like their in-laws. Some of us win the lottery, and get on with our significant other's family just as well (if not better) than we get along with our own. For everyone else, though, getting along with the in-laws can be tough. In some cases it can be downright Herculean. If you're not one of the blessed few who have common ground with your in-laws, then you should keep this list of tips in mind. Especially around the holidays.

5 Tips For Dealing With The In-Laws

Tip #1: Set Boundaries

This can be awkward, but sometimes the best thing to do is to sit down with your in-laws, and talk about your boundaries for you, your significant other, and any children you have. Be reasonable, and keep things light, but make sure you communicate clearly what you expect, and what you need from your in-laws. This might lead to some head-butting, especially if you have grandparents who want to spoil your little ones, but it's also the best way to get results. Remember, you're all adults here, and you should be able to solve things just by talking them out among yourselves.

Ideally, anyway.

Tip #2: Take Time For Yourself

If you get along well with your in-laws, then being with them might feel refreshing. Just like spending time with good friends. However, if you have to stay on your guard all the time, that can quickly sap your strength. Remember to take a break, and to catch your breath. When you feel your reserves getting low, it might be time to take a nap, go run some errands, or get lunch with some friends. Whatever you do, make sure it will relax you. The key to making sure you can deal with your in-laws is to never let the pressure get higher than you can take. That's how fights start.

Tip #3: Prepare

An ounce of preparation is worth a pound of cure, or so the old saying goes. When it comes to dealing with your in-laws, this is astonishingly true.

You know them. You know what causes arguments, and you know what smooths things over. So, before you spend any time with them, do some preparation. Maybe that means planning a family meal so you can all spend the evening together to start off the get-together on a high note. Maybe it means taking a day or so for yourself so you'll be ready to handle the pressure of spending time with this part of your family. Think of it like stretching before a workout; you're less likely to hurt yourself if you go in prepared for what's coming.

Tip #4: Make Sure You And Your Spouse Are On The Same Page

Coping with your in-laws can be hard. Coping with them alone can be an impossible task. So make sure you sit down with your significant other, and talk about what you need from them. Don't make it about you versus your in-laws, because that can lead to hurt feelings all around. Instead, make sure your spouse knows what you need from them, and that you both agree on how to handle certain situations. You need to be a collaborative unit, instead of working separately.

Tip #5: Don't Take Them Personally

Your in-laws are just people. Sometimes their comments, habits, or way of being might be abrasive, or exhausting, but you need to ask when it's being directed at you, personally, and when it's just how they are. Because a lot of the time, it may have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. And if it's their problem, you shouldn't stress yourself by making it your problem.